love or nothing like it

It's been great being single for awhile. But I'm thinking it might be time to start the search for a real boyfriend again. Not that I'm any good at being a girlfriend. I'm so into hanging out with my friends that it seems like too much to add a boyfriend to the mix.

But I like having a boyfriend. Holding hands and laughing at inside jokes. But then again- I have my friends for that already. I wonder if a friend of mine would raise children with me and take out the trash. I'll have to look into that.

For now, I was thinking about digging through the internets to find a boyfriend. But then, I'd actually have to be interested in being a girlfriend. Ugh.

Wait. I just asked a friend to get married and have babies. And asked him to take out the trash. Think texting this is too impersonal? Whatever. It's how I roll. Wonder if he'll say yes. So far, he has flat-out refused to be my boyfriend... But I usually ask just after he points out everything that's clearly wrong with me.

Hmm. He responded that he's going to ride the single wave for awhile. Then, I called him a dick. See- we're already fighting like a couple. This has GOOD IDEA written all over it.

thisiskindaboring

I’m taking a much-needed break from work for a few minutes to reflect. At the end of March, I took a ½ day off from my last consulting position to drive up to the Bay Area so I could start a new consulting job the next day. The people who interviewed me over the phone for this position let me know the project was… in trouble.

Typical. I love the problem-child projects. Anyway, I set their expectations pretty low on how much my involvement would help at such a late stage in the process. And then I jumped in, knowing exactly what I was getting into.

Ha. This job has been hard. Pretty much the toughest project I’ve worked on in my career. But I really did know that I would be challenging myself to do the impossible this time. We just launched a software tool to the company last week and it hasn’t blown up yet. Good sign. Very good.

I was just looking over what I need to do so I can transfer my work back to the project team at the end of next week before I get outta here and I laughed out loud. Like lol, laughing, you know?

I wrote detailed training materials for a system I’ve never used. I put presentations together, detailing processes as they used to be and as they will be in the future. For processes that I have never been a part of and don’t quite understand. I managed to track down and communicate with over a thousand staff members in 12 time zones, many the project team didn’t even know existed. I wrote 3 nice things about everyone who helped with the project, never having met 80% of them.

Today, I took a walking tour of some ghetto neighborhood in search of helium balloons and streamers. I found balloons (no helium), streamers, every strip club in San Francisco, and a club dedicated to Jack Kerouac. Then, I partied (well, had lunch with) the CIO.

I should have some down time after next week. I think my next job is starting the second week of June. Maybe I’ll take my tent and sleeping bag and my dog out to the river and camp for awhile. Also, a banjo. Yeah. Definitely need a banjo.

Bad blood

I used to donate my blood to both the red cross and united blood services regularly. Now they call me about once every two weeks, asking if I'd like to save 2 lives with just one donation. My blood is quite handy because it doesn't have some harmful virus that can kill babies or something. A lot of adults have this virus- it's totally benign to grownups, so you likely wouldn't even know if you were infected.

Anyway. I've never had it, so they're after me all the time to go give up a pint. It gets kind of old to keep turning them down lately with my poor excuses- nope, sorry, just got another tattoo. Have to wait a year. Woops, just went to a malaria area. Have to wait a year. Yikes sorry, I'm just plain defective and may pass this on to someone I'm supposed to be helping.

So when the red cross fella asked me just now if I could donate, I told him I'm not able to donate anymore. Which was easier than going into why. If you've ever donated blood, you know they ask a million personal questions: have you ever shot up drugs? Ever slept with a hooker? Ever been paid for sex? I wonder which he thought I'd done.

At any rate, no more blood donations for now from me. Hopefully you, reader, can go donate. It really does save lives. Plus, free cookies and juice!!!

Typical Tuesday night

I went home to a house full of ladies last night. 10? 8? Something like that. Counting is hard.

They were all in the war room, discussing. Getting excited about... things. Planning and learning to use chop sticks. I dropped a couple bottles of wine on the table and tried (and failed) not to distract anyone from their meeting.

Later, most everyone had gone to wherever ladies go when they leave our home. There were four of us left. Drinking, smoking too many cigarettes, laughing, sharing stories. We were on the back porch and someone in the apartment complex next door shooshed us.

It was kind of a loud shoosh. Then, the neighbor from just upstairs came near his window and I asked if we were being too noisy - he said we weren't. Cool, so we kept chatting, giggling.

And then. Regis (my pup) went apeshit and ran toward the front door. Which means that either someone was knocking or he thought someone was within a block of our home. My roommate went to see who was there while the rest of us remained on the porch.

She was gone for a few minutes and honestly, I forgot about the possible late night visitor. Until I walked into the kitchen and caught a glimpse of my roommate holding Regis and talking to a gorgeous man at the door. A police kind of man.

Someone called the cops on us for being too noisy. Likely the shoosher.

I sat my glass of wine down and went to investigate at the door. My roommate was just asking Officer Hotness what time it was (noise curfew?). He answered 11:30pm. Pretty serious. Of course, they had already confirmed that there were only 4 people present and that he couldn't hear a thing when he walked up. But he's bound by duty to investigate a call.

I am bound by nature to ask him if he has a girlfriend. And then (un)kindly mention that I don't want to talk to him anymore when he says he does. We - all four of us girls and O.H. chatted about our project and planning, he told us about his sister, and he pet Regis.

So thank you, crankypants shoosher. Made my night much more rad.

A whole new world

The Bay Area is... RAD.
Yes, rad is pretty much perfect for this place.
I was outside during lunch today and saw a nice looking man wearing jeans that were so tight around his manparts area that it almost looked like he had a cameltoe.
The jeans were white.

I started dating a really super cute dude about a week after I got here. Oh yeah- broke up with my last boyfriend after we went steady for about 2 months. Long term relationships are but a speck in my memory...

So this new guy- 3 dates so far. I'm digging it, but he's kind of young and I'm not counting on it to last very long. But I kinda hope it does. We'll see.

I became a fan of the San Francisco Giants (baseball) last night, on the recommendation of a bartender at a trendy new place in Oakland. He converted me simply by telling me how gorgeous their stadium is. Opening day for the season is today, so I'll have to see about getting tickets for a game soon.

I've been riding public transportation to work and walking a shit ton more than I'm used to. Every morning when I come up from the train station into the city, my heart does a little sparkly backflip.

My first few days here were kind of treacherous with driving. I get lost a lot and didn't know my way around. Ran a red light and got one of those picture tickets in the mail. Bastards. It was totally red though. And I was that asshole trying to figure out which way to go. Dang.

I haven't developed any new bad habits and I've only blacked out from drinking once since I've been here. NOT bad, considering I've been here for 16 days. Haha.

Predictably not awesome

First days at new jobs are usually a drag.

Knowing this, I set my expectations low today. Glad I did. I think I paid $25 to park my car when the machine said it should have been $15. I came in to work and there were piles of stuff in and around my designated work space. Like- even a big blue plastic table where my chair should have been.

The project seems to be on an impossible timeline. That was definitely expected. If everything was fine, they wouldn't have needed me there. It's going to be an intense couple of months.

Yesterday, on my way to my last day at the old job, I hit a bird with my car's windshield. I thought of going back to see if it was rehabilitatable, but the pacific coast highway is a busy, fast road and I was pretty sure it saw a quick death when it collided with me at 60mph.

First night in my new place last night. My dog seems nervous, but he'll chill in a week or so.

Learning a new neighborhood and a new job at once... not awesome. But I'll make it work, a la Tim Gunn.

hoho be jooba

I hear lyrics wrong sometimes. I always thought that, at one point in "The Jeffersons" (a rad show from when I was a kid) theme song, the singer says: Hoho be joba. Which makes no sense, but it didn't stop me from DEMANDING to my friends that this is what she was singing.

Turns out, it was a very intense "movin on up". Not "hoho be joba".

I feel wronged by my childhood, somehow.

At any rate, I am movin on up. Tomorrow. Shit. I haven't packed all of my clothes. SHIT.

I'm moving to Northern California afterall. To the Bay Area. To a house with 2 wild/crazy/awesome ladies who I adore.

I start a new contract job on Thursday. It's going to be a bit different from what I'm used to, but I'm into learning stuff along the way while I pretend to be an expert in what I'm doing.

What a week. I hope my dog reacts well to being in a new place with new people. I mean- he's been there before. He knows the people. He loves the people. He digs hanging out with the other dog in the house.

I hope I react well to being in such a lively environment. What am I saying- I live in a very lively household. Never a dull moment. Not that big of a deal.

Hoho be joba.

shady recruiters

I deal with recruiters frequently, lately. Being an independent consultant is about 92% consulting work with the current client and about 8% securing the next client.

As an example: I just accepted a new contract position yesterday. My recruiter had me scheduled for an interview today with another company, which she cancelled as soon as I said yes to the other position.

This afternoon, I got a call from an internal recruiter at the company my interview was cancelled with today. She says they have this position open that I may be interested in. I told her I just accepted something else, but keep me in mind if anything opens up in a few months.

I know she already heard from MY recruiter this morning. My recruiter told her I had accepted something else and she cancelled my interview.

So the internal recruiter stops my "thank you" mid-sentence and says... well, what if we made it a fulltime employee position? I immediately think she's being shady and just trying to fill a position that someone in her office is hounding her for.

I ask how she came across my resume. She tells me I applied for a different position last year at the company. Which is likely true, but still. This was the same position my recruiter said would only be a 3 month job. So when my recruiter cancelled my interview, the internal recruiter looked into her database for old resumes and found mine. Called me directly, and offered to flip a contract position to an employee position. Which just- it doesn't happen like that usually.

It seems like it's not right. And, as a wise man from Iowa once told me: If it's not right, it's wrong.

I'm totally not freaking out

I was supposed to move to northern California on February 28th. My stuff is all stored nicely in the garage of the home I've shared with great friends for a year in southern California. My bags were packed and I was ready to go.

I'm a consultant and my contract was up on the Friday the 26th of last month. Done and done and ready for something new. But. On Thursday the 25th, I was asked to stay. More like I was told I couldn't leave. And I told my supervisor I'd only stay for a bunch more money. And then she said they'd pay me what I asked for. So I'm still here.

Homeless, kind of. I moved to the guest room in our house and I'm living out of suitcases and it's a great test of my ability to deal with change. All this nonsense. I guess it could be worse. I could be stuck outside in a Kansas corn field during tornado season.

It's funny, the choices I make for myself. Like, I guess I really did want to stay in SoCal if I made the choice. But really, that wasn't what I had counted on for sure. I was supposed to be lazing about the Bay Area right now. Not waiting on yet another (one last) email to come through for the day so I can finish up and drive 2 hours back home.

Kansas. Tornadoes. Okay. It's not that bad. I'm okay. This is great. I'm happy to be able to spend a little more time with my friends and family here before I eventually trek north for good. I’m happy to have a job that I’m good at and that pays well. I’m happy that I have never been swept away by a tornado.

move bitch, get out the way

Everything is pissing me off right now. The way people are talking, the tone of emails, the way this conference call is more like an excuse-generator than a status report. The way the fucking jerk in the cubicle next to me is chewing with her goddamned mouth open.

My mood today reminds me of an old Twighlight Zone episode where this dude kept yelling at people to shut up. Then, everyone did. They all froze in their tracks and dude was alone and he was all creeped out.

Fuck, even I'm pissing myself off today. Like, how annoying is this post anyway? Rrrrg.

Funny haha or funny queer

The week after posting my last blog, someone called me an asshole and told me to suckit.

While this happens frequently, it's generally friends, so no big deal. This was not a friend, and it was completely serious. I had said something insensitive, in jest, and this person flew off the handle. When I saw her message, I was both shocked and incredibly amused. See because of my last post here. The timing was hilarious. The situation itself wasn't.

I, of course, apologized for being an asshole. That doesn't mean I think her response was acceptable or professional (we work together), but I had clearly hurt her feelings.

Isn't timing just funny sometimes?

When are you the asshole?

My feelings get hurt pretty easily, so I'm generally gentle with the feelings of others.

I don't like to intentionally hurt anyone. Unless they truly deserve it. Before passing judgement and getting upset, I ask myself- was that person being intentionally hurtful toward me? If not, I am passive. I understand that people make mistakes, misjudgements, are hurried or upset at something that has nothing to do with me.

Sometimes, I'm that "asshole" doing something to unintentionally hurt someone else. I apologize and mean it when I realize I've done this. And when I find that I've forgotten to be sweet to someone, I apologize. It's the right thing to do.

Being an asshole to people may make me feel better in the moment, but it's not worth the lasting hurt that it can cause to someone else. I wish more people, specifically those who come in contact with me, would consider the feelings of others before taking action and passing judgement. And calling names. Ouch.

sick burn

My friend The Brit and I were having a lovely lunch **today and discussing everything under the sun. One of these things was the fella I have a crush on.
The Brit (who is having a really bad hair day today!)has the perfect answer as to why the guy doesn't like me-
I'm like an old used car.
More specifically, like an old yellow Renault, and who would want to drive that?

I could do nothing but laugh my ass off.
What a great explanation.
Nobody wants an old broken-down used car.

**I originally posted this in March of 2008. Reading it now, I still laugh at my friend's viewpoint. I miss having lunch nearly every day with someone so honest- so incredibly unafraid of causing waves. My friend, the Brit, is not my biggest fan. However, he enjoys spending time with me and telling me his stories while he cringes through mine.

While I have many friends who believe that I am a good person and see that my intentions are generally positive, it is a great reality check to hear things like this on occasion. I think I need more of this. Less support of my current path from people who want the best for me.

I need to step back and take a look into what I'm doing from an untinted perspective. So, I'll be calling the Brit today to schedule a dinner for this week. I can't wait to hear what he's been up to as well. There is always some DRAMATIC story that he shares with me while he tells me Americans have no morals... like the time he dated his cousin and his uncle chased him out of the country with threats of murder.

So I'm not the only one with the data/"feelings" struggle

Ah, Valentines Day. It forces people to look at their love lives. Or lack thereof. I've never been a fan of this holiday, but I'm not one of those anti- celebratory people for Valentines Day. I think it's sweet that people take a day out to recognize their love for each other.

But I just don't think I have what it takes to really get into it. A celebration of love. It seems to forced to me. Kind of like when my mom used to tell me I had to apologize sincerely for something I had done wrong. I have a hard time being sincere when I don't FEEL something sincerely.

My eyes give me away. My energy gives me away. The way I get close to "feeling" something and then shutting down gives me away.

This Valentines Day, I won't force anything. I'll have to figure out what to do for my boyfriend. I'm sure he's thinking about what to do for me as well. I wish I could tell him not to worry about it, but I'll be honest here. I like presents.

Oh yeah. I have a boyfriend. It's new, I didn't go out looking for a boyfriend. My life would be simpler without one, but I like him and he likes me. So we'll see where it goes.

How do I get there from here?

I have nearly everything I ever wanted in life. I mean, at one point in my life. I have nearly everything I wanted in early 2003, to be exact.

Recently divorced, I realized I should probably set some new goals for myself. All I really wanted up until that point was to be a fantastic wife and help my husband with his business.

When that went to shit, it was obvious that my ambitions were lacking. So I enrolled in school. Like real college. I was going to double my income every five years. And eventually, I'd make enough money to buy a Dodge Viper.

No, I did not put any silly parameters around what I'd actually do to make the money. Just that I must do this as quickly as possible. I want the Viper before I turn 40.

It wasn't really all that difficult to double my income the first time within five years. I was making a crappy hourly wage doing easy work at a small company in 2003. Doubling it again, though, I've had to stay really focused on the goal.

Every now and then, I revisit this goal- does it still make sense? Is it what I want? Am I happy with the work that I do? How do I look in Blue? Should I get a Viper with silver racing stripes or white?

Yes, I still want this. I have some interest in starting a family, settling down, but I have to pay off these GIGANTIC student loans and pay for my dream car and I'm running out of time. Only 7 years and 5 months until my final cut-off. Eeeek!

But my dog won't stop barking at nothing

Edit: Added photo of glass ceiling, as requested.

It has been raining in California non-stop for days. There were a couple tornadoes nearby, flooding, mudslides. Southern California especially doesn't do well in the rain.

I was sitting in the lobby of my office building on Monday. The ceiling is made of glass. Who puts a glass ceiling on an office building??? The rain was pouring INSIDE. Not just a little either-there were 17 big trash cans set up to carch the downpour. I kept picturing the entire thing shattering, crushing me into a bloody pulp.

As I stared at the streams of water in front of me, I got a text. My roommate said it was raining INSIDE our house. 4 windows gave way to the storm. She's a bit of a genius and had a set-up going to catch the water so no permanent damage was done to the carpet or to our stuff.

I drive to work on the Pacific Coast Highway. Along the ocean side, most of the way, there are mountains jutting up right next to the highway. Rock slides made the drive a little terrifying. On Thursday, I followed a rock plow on the road for 30 minutes. On my drive home, there were a bunch of disabled cars on the side of the road that had been hit by boulders falling off the mountain.

Yesterday on the same road to work, my check engine light came on. The car kept going though, so I didn't freak out. I'll take it to the dealer today to see what's wrong and cry only as I hand over my debit card when it's all fixed.

For some reason, through all of this strangeness, I'm happy. Have been for days. It feels great to be happy- not that I'm usually mopey or anything. Just not truly happy. I'm more of a content person.

The sun is shining today. Blue sky after so much gray. I'm happy to just be here, alive, breathing, safe, loved.

Plans? What plans?

2009 was the year that I threw caution to the wind.

I made living for the moment my M.O. When life handed me lemons, I tossed them into walls and smashed them, thinking maybe that would do some good. I don't even know how to make lemonade, so I wouldn't have given that a shot.

Sugar. You need a certain amount of sugar to make lemonade. I'm just not that sweet.

Half a year went by and I was in LOVE. Not with the man who was my boyfriend, unfortunately. With another man who had never really given me much reason to fall in love with him. I kept telling myself- give it up. This is never going to work. It may be for another lifetime, but in this one... no. He just isn't that into you.

So I tried- I really did try to live like my heart wasn't torn into pieces. I maybe could have done things differently with this guy. Like maybe over the years, I could have told him how I felt or given him the option to fall in love with me too.

But I didn't. I saw right from the start how impossible it was- us, we were impossible. Still are. So I made my bed and now I laid in it.

So on summer solstice, I stood on a beach at 3? 4? in the morning and formally threw in the towel. I asked the universe for release from him. From a fantasy I had created in my head. But that didn't stick.

And now, so what? So I'm still stuck on the dream that can never come true. Stifle it. I'm good at that. I'm good at moving on. Physically forcing myself to go out and live like this empty horrible feeling doesn't exist.

I don't have any plans. Not really. I'm fluid. I'll keep doing whatever I want, when I want to do it.

One moment of one day, I might feel like riding my bike along the beach to feel the sun on my pasty white skin and the wind in my hair. Another moment, I'll feel like having a nap. To go back to the dream.

I don't even know really why I give this any more thought than it deserves. Suckit, dreams. Where have you gotten me, anyway? Precisely here. In a beautiful home with fantastic friends, a dog who makes me giggle and cuddles me even after I yell at him, a promising career, and a sad heart.

My heart can wait. For the next lifetime or the one after. Right now, I have things to do, people to see. Or the other way around. I think I'm going to ride my bike now. Down the beach. Napping will wait until later. Unless I change my mind in the next five minutes.