Thursday, May 28, 2009

Countdown to chips and beer in 3...2...


I'm finishing up my last few minutes of "work" before heading out to happy hour and trivia night at the Mexican place close to work.

I was supposed to either win or lose a bet today and probably buy the first round of silver bullets, but that fell through. The bet was on who was going to get into more trouble with our boss today: me or my co-worker. The one in less trouble had to buy drinks.

Thing is, neither of us got yelled or scowled at. Somehow, we pulled it off! YES!!! Our boss doesn't think we're fucking up! Ahhhh. Nice.

So I'll buy my own beer and eat chips and "slasa" and get smarter in order to play trivia against the other happy hour-ers.

4 minutes..... this has been the longest end of day ever.

3.... ugh. I can't wait!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

You look like you could use a little sunshine!

Over Thanksgiving weekend last year, my roommate and I went on a road trip. First, to my mom's house way up in Northern California for karaoke, drunken uncles, and heaps of comfort food. Then, off to milk a cow in the countryside. Next, we visited a closed down haunted inn way up in the mountains. And then, dropped by the most interesting bar we've ever been to. My dog, Regis, was allowed to go in with us. Lovely.

On our way back to Southern California, we stopped over at our friend's house for a tree decorating party and debauchery. After the party was over and most everyone had gone home, a small set of us was still rockin out and wanted to dance dance dance.

Off we went, to Moe's Alley- with our delightful wigs and permagrins ready to party.

The three of us ladies were taking a break out on the back patio when one of the two of them noticed a couple arguing in the corner. I guess it was getting out of hand. There was some shoving and grabbing- no full on punching or anything. A lover's quarrel. The ladies looked concerned. I told them it would be okay- of course at this point, I was in love with everything and had a little trouble remaining upright. The ladies told me to go stop them from arguing.

I waltzed right over to them, got in real close because they were all huddled up to argue as intensely as possible. I looked at them both and sing-songed "You two look like you could use a little sunshine!"

The only possible next step that I saw was to instigate a group hug, let them both try on my wig, and lead them out to the middle of the floor to boogie down with us. They were laughing and having a wonderful time. She looked like Faith Hill and we all got along great.

The couple ended up driving us back home and staying up to dance dance dance with us at the apartment until late at night when I finally told them lights out. Faith kissed me and Regis goodnight and she walked out hand in hand with her man.

Sometimes, all you need is a touch of sunshine to get you out of your funk.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Adventures in sleeping

I have stayed with the same couch surfing host in San Francisco 3 times now.

The first time I stayed, my friend Melissa and I were sharing the sofa bed in the living room. We went to bed in the wee hours of the morning. I got up to use the loo and I must have been disoriented (verrry drunk) and ended up choosing the dining room table as my bed for the rest of the night. Melissa got up, wondered where I was, and saw me sleeping on the table like a body in a coffin- perfectly straight, hands at sides. I remember wondering why the bed was so uncomfortable.

The next time I stayed, it was a surprise visit. I decided to rock it out and dance til 6am with Melissa and went back to the house with her to crash for a few hours. That time, I had to wee again and, on the way back to the living room, decided I'd just sleep on one side of my host's bed. He wasn't using it and didn't mind sharing the blankets.

This time, I took a full tour of sleeping surfaces. Our first night there, the Aussie couch surfer and I were sharing the guest bed. Only, when we got back from a dance club at 3am, there were people still up, hanging out in the living room! I was feeling super social (verrry drunk) and stayed up to chat while the Aussie went to sleep. I guess the little after party ended while I was napping (passed out) on the couch- half sitting with my head tilted against the cushions. Snoring, I'm sure. My host's best friend was on the other side of the couch, same sleeping position as me. I covered him up with the blanket and made it to the guest bed for about 2 hours of comfy sleep.

Last night, we were moved to the living room to sleep, as we had 2 more people sleeping over. We got in late, as usual, and everyone went straight to bed. I was rocking out to my iPod and wanted to have a bath and just 2 more glasses of wine before bed. I got in the bath at around 4:30 in the morning and woke up to cold water a couple hours later. Dang! At least I was clean...

I relocated to the mattress in the living room, right next to the Aussie and Melissa.

I may or may not have to purposely sleep somewhere odd the next I am in the city. My host recommended the laundry room.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Bad decisions

I'm going to make some this weekend.

Off to San Francisco, I go. There are many lady couch surfers I will be meeting up with in the city. Parties, music, dancing (only a little. plomise.), substance abuse... Ah, long weekends. How I love thee.

The Aussie couch surfer who I had super lots of fun with a couple of weeks ago will arrive at my home tonight and we're driving up together in the morning. We've been invited to several parties and I'm not sure which we'll choose. But I'm saving most of my liver, etc. for Sunday night.

For the arrival of the great and powerful Dirt Princess. Praise cheeses, let's share bathroom stalls in crowded clubs and PLEASE remember I'm in there with you this time :)

Can't wait.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Forgot the car

My friend Wendy and I worked together at a hardware store and lived together in our tiny little town when we were 19/20. We went out and got wasted one night at a party and somehow made it back home. Neither of us remembered who drove us back, or where we left the car, but we had to be at work by 9am.

While I showered, Wendy called her step-dad to come pick us up and take us to work. We'd find the car later-after the hangovers wore off and we were done with work for the day.

We both got all ready for the day in our matching store shirts and heard Shawn pull up, so we went out to the driveway. And there was Wendy's car. Also in the driveway. Shawn was looking at us like we had three heads each- if we had the car, why did we need a ride?!?!? Oops.

I drove Wendy's car to work and Shawn took Wendy in his truck so that he could lecture her the whole way to the store.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Questions from a Psychoanalyst

I've spent the last several days in the close company of an Australian couch surfer who also happens to be a psycho analyst. Some things she asked me made me a bit uncomfortable- like how I tend to get in the therapist's office when they ask me "how does that make you feel?"

Q: Do you think I'm attractive?
A: Yes. You're lovely
Q: Are you attracted to me?
A: (Oh shit- is she hitting on me? Oh god.) I try not to go there - I'm trying to be a good girlfriend, so I really shouldn't even consider actually BEING attracted to anyone else.

Yay! Passed that one... right? Next was:

Q: Which perfume do you like better- this one... or this one?
A: I like this one better - it's not as spicy as the other
Q: What do you like about this one?
A: It's just more delicious is all.

She put the good one on. The other one smelled like fennel. Phew. And next!

Q: Do you like this dress for the wedding... or this one?
A: Ooooh- that one is gorgeous! Look at the material. It shines. I love the way it falls.
Q: What do you think this dress says about me?
A: It says chic sophistication. Very New York.
Q: Is it too dressy though?
A: It's a wedding. I think it will be fine.
Q: This other one- what does it say about me?
A: It says you know how to have a good time.
Q: Does it make me look slutty?
A: (oh crap.) Not at all- it's just more relaxed than the other one, but still very chic and expensive-looking.
Q: How much does it look like I spent on it?
A: I have no idea. Either dress will be great.
Q: But which one do you think is more expensive?
A: Ummmm... the more relaxed one.
Q: How could you tell?
A: You said it's from Paris and that's a fancy place!

I'm exhausted. Usually I'm asked general questions and can get away with completely generalized answers. I didn't expect to get the third degree from every answer I chose. It was kind of like an inquisition, but a pleasant one where my inquisitor took her shirt off a bunch and showed me what was under her fishnet stockings.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A night "out"

When partying at gay bars, keep your fantastic boobs covered up.
Leaving them out in a tank top for men to see may lead to:
Uninvited motorboating
Getting bit hard enough to leave a huge bruise
Having one of the hottie gays take your number to hang out "some time" and getting 3 calls within 2 hours of saying goodbye
Accidentally getting kissed hard on the lips by a flamingly gay boy. No tongue.

These are all tips from me to you, based on a- whoa. 4th call from hottie Elvis boy. Says I have the best boobs ever and something about laying pipe all over LA? WTF. I told him I'd google that. Laying pipes... Any input?

Friday, May 08, 2009

Cultural surprises

I have an Aussie couch surfer staying with me for a few days and I really like her.

Here are some reasons why:
She says the letter "H" like "haich". It's funny cool.
She uses the term "gift box" for a girl's down-belows.
She didn't know what a pearl necklace meant, other than a piece of jewelry and I got to explain it to her.
She said she was wearing "runners" (her shoes!)
She was a great teammate last night in a winning game of pool against a Brit and a big scary dude in a dive bar.

And finally, she's convinced me to muck up work or something and go get a mani/pedi right now.

All hail Australians!

Creativity or Lack Thereof

Is that even how thereof is spelled? What a strange word. Maybe I should start using spell check here. Meh, why start now though?

So- what this is really about has nothing to do with spelling or with my technical skills or lack thereof.

This is about "jokes" in my household. I noticed this morning that we tell the same joke over and over and it's starting to get old. It goes like this:

Person 1: blah blah blah insult.
Person 2: Your face.
Person 1: Your mom's face.
Person 2: How dare you.

I think we need some new material.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Don't drink and drive

Liquor may lend to forgetfulness, stupidity, and scary partial memories. Case in point:

Wendy and I were out drinking late on a night when we were about 19/20 years old. She decided to drive us home because we had to be at work the next morning. At some point along the deserted highway, I started to feel ill, so she pulled over.

I got out and lost my last keg stand-worth of beer in the gravel while she got out of the drivers seat, fell because she couldn't walk so well, and crawled around the car to where I was. I finished my puking just when she announced that she was too drunk and couldn't see to drive anymore.

So I told her I was ok now and I could finish the trip home. But I couldn't walk so good either, so I crawled around to the drivers seat and pulled myself onto the chair behind the wheel. Great. I was ready to go.

I guess we eventually made it home, because that's where we woke up the next morning- bright and early and ready to serve customers. It's scary to think of how much we risked by driving that drunk.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Conflict, Schmonflict

Some people run from conflict.
Some people thrive on it.

I have a mixed relationship with it. By mixed, I mean that I avoid it and hate it and can't even begin to describe the fear that I have of it.

I don't mind arguing- as long as I know that the stakes are low low low. If it's with a customer service representative, then it's their job to argue with me. I don't mind that. If it's with someone over which is bigger- 1/3 or 3/4- I don't mind that either because there is nothing invested for either of us in the correct answer (I was wrong on that one, mmmkay?).

But when there is something real and bothersome... Or something that could hurt someone's feelings- I avoid conflict like the plague. Or the Swine flu, to be more current and to add to panic.

For example: When my roomies and I moved into our new place, we had a moving truck. There was definitely enough space for the truck to park on the side of the house, but the neighbor's truck was parked there. My delightful roommate, GB, asked me to go see if he'd move the truck since I'd already met him and had been talking to him already.

The idea of asking him to move his truck scared the hell out of me. I couldn't bring myself to do it and she huffed and hemmed and went over there herself. And he moved the truck. I told her I was too shy to go over there myself, but she didn't buy it. I don't blame her either- I'm generally pretty chatty and I have a tendency to talk to strangers. A lot.

It's just- what if he had said no? What the hell would I have done? And would that have made living next to him completely terrible for the whole year that we're leased for? It was just too much to handle.

So I'll live with things and let things get to me. I'll totally blame myself for letting things bug me when I could just ask people nicely to stop/start doing something different. Maybe it's a fear of rejection.

Or maybe I just need another drink... Yeah, I think that will help.