Ok so my subject line refused to cooperate with me.
In other news, for the last several days, I was insanely nervous that I was going to produce a child very soon. I was 5 days late for my period. This morning, my dreams of late night feedings and complicated parental relationships were shattered.
I hate the whole monthly visitor process. For a few hours, I was sure that I was going to simultaneously hurl on the floor of Walmart while losing control of my bowels in my pretty new dress. Not a fun time at all. Then I took some delightfully generic Ibuprofen and moved along to a baby shower.
I'm exhausted. Oh, my little sister got married yesterday. She looked amazing. Her husband beamed the whole night. I cried like a baby during the toasts and danced with a high school friend of my dad's. My little brother got freaky on the dance floor with great gramma, who is 97. She's still got the moves.
Tomorrow, I leave for a camping trip in the desert. Ugh. It's gonna be hot. Hot hot hot.
I'm ehxausted. Did I say that already?
Edit: a lady just stopped to tell me she really likes my dress. So glad I didn't mess it up earlier today :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ok so my subject line refused to cooperate with me.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Stupid stupid tears.
I shouldn't be crying over this. Over something that I've deemed useless to think about- to spend any more time on. I'm not an incredible idiot. Promise. I know that what I'm crying over is futile. No amount of wishing or talking or lifting a finger will change the fact that I can't have what I want.
But that doesn't stop my feelings from being hurt.
Recently, I was at a party and introduced myself to a boy. His name is Rob. I said to him- Rob was the name of my first love. He broke my heart into a million pieces.
Rob asked me- did you ever pick up all the pieces and put them back together?
I thought about it. Yeah, I did. It took a very long time, but it came back together. But I busted it again. Pretty much all on my own this time, with a little encouragement from a guy I fell really hard for.
Now it's scattered again- everywhere, I keep finding little pieces of it. I'll need a lot of glue to fix it this time. A lot more than last time.
Friday, August 21, 2009
I met my Aussie friend in Costa Rica for a 6 day road trip while she waited for her new Visa to process. Girl has been traveling in the US for 3 months and wanted to come back for more.
So I get to the airport and we had decided at the last minute to rent a car. Thought we'd be really super extra brave. Well... there are no street signs in Costa Rica. No one mentioned this to me- ever. And I didn't notice the last time I was there because I wasn't the one driving.
We were supposed to meet between 2:30/3pm in front of the US consulate in downtown San Jose. I got directions from the car rental place and ended up... somewhere else. Somewhere very rainy. Okay, so it was raining everywhere in San Jose just then, but I thought ESPECIALLY where I was driving. After stopping at a few places where I tried out my special brand of remedial Spanish mixed with charades, I found it. American flags flying. Ahhh, what a great feeling.
But no Aussie waiting for me. Apparently, she had wandered off 10 minutes before i finally got there- in search of internets to get in touch with me. I stood under the shelter of my umbrella and waited. My phone rang- it was my roommate. My Aussie friend was chatting online with her from somewhere near by. Yay! A few minutes later, we hugged it out and scuttled back to the rental car around the corner.
She wanted to take me to a delicious local restaurant near where she had stayed the previous night. When we got there, I was surprised to see it was the same exact place where I had my first dinner in San Jose during my trip in 2003. It's a very unique, welcoming restaurant with staff who kissed and hugged us on the way out.
Off to La Fortuna, we went.
It's supposed to be a 3 hour drive, I think. We left at around 7pm and made it by midnight. Not bad, considering a total lack of street signs and a fragile grasp of the local language.
We stayed at Kokoro Resort just up the road from La Fortuna. It was a gorgeous, private getaway in between the Baldi hot springs resort and the bigger, fancier hot springs resort just up the road.
After checking in and looking around a bit, my friend asked about the resort's pool. He told us it was closed for the night, but that we could use it tomorrow.
Oooookay. We prepared a couple of strong cocktails in the room and snuck past our host a little while later to take a quiet dip in the gorgeous pool. The scenery even at night time is breathtaking and the water was perfect. We were careful not to splash and giggle, but I think he knew what we were up to. I gave him silent kudos for thinking of issuing great customer service first, rule enforcement second.
Thus ended my first day and night in what I refer to as "my country". I love it only second to my own. Possibly more, but shhhhh don't tell the patriots.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The iPhone really needs a breathalyzer application.
I have a few drinks and send texts and emails that would make even Snoop Dog blush. Jesus, what the hell happens in my brain that I think it's okay to have that shit in writing?
Monday, August 10, 2009
@LAX. 1 Sapphire & tonic double down, 2 flights to go, 1 very cute boy met... :) :) :)
And off I go.
Just arrived in Houston. Walked outside & looked to see if I was standing near a large generator- what was causing this incredible heat? Nothing. It's nature. 6:30am and the heat is stifling. Incredible. Remind me not to go to Houston in the summertime. Ever.
After 3 or so hours of light sleep on the plane, I fear I will collapse somewhere around baggage claim and sleep through my connection. Will locate coffee to fight the urge of sleep.
Yesterday after church, I went to see a psychic.
Yeah, so now I guess that was a strange course of events. Anyhow, it's just how I do things... I never know what the hell I'm going to do from one minute to the next.
I've seen the psychic just once before and she was dead-on about things. Things I doubted heavily until a few weeks after I saw her and stuff started to happen just like she said it would. So I thought it's been a couple months-I wonder what she'll say now.
First, my home life is uncomfortable and the negativity there is unhealthy. Well, yeah. Very uncomfortable lately. But I already knew that. Next, I don't need to worry about finances. Hey lady, I'm thinking- I don't have a job- just like you told me I wouldn't last time! She was not deterred. There is a business I'm working on developing and it will blossom just as it should. I don't see how in the timeframe I'd need it to, but okay. I'll half believe that for now.
There is also a love in my life. A pesky, impossible love that I keep trying to get rid of. She assured me that it will not go away. Well, fuck. But it's so impossible and he's so unattainable and it's really just a silly fantasy. I tried explaining this to the psychic and she quietly listened before disagreeing with me. Fuck.
I'm too karmically negative for things to go my way right now, she says. Too many connections to past experiences. If I continue this way, I will not move forward in a positive way. I may have temporary success. I may be okay with my living situation, find a great job, a new love, but I will inevitably sabotage it all. I think- if past experience is any indication of the future, well... That sounds about right.
And then... Out of the blue... I'll be pregnant by the end of next year. My eyes went wild and my flight response tried to take over. I don't even have a boyfriend! No prospects, no job, no fucking WAY can I have a baby in 2011. But wait... I think- that's still a long way off. Calm down, you.
But what now? I have to clear out my karmic mess and get on track to great success. The lasting kind. So I paid the lady a hefty sum and she's going to work with me and several of her psychic best friends to set me up all fresh and clean. She said this must be done now so that my next adventure in September will not rain down in a great mess. I didn't even tell her about my planned camping trip in September that I'm incredibly worried/excited about.
Phew. I hope this shit works and that my babydaddy is prepared to meet me. Fuck.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
This morning, I awoke after a dream feeling dread. Pure, unmistakable dread.
I woke up at around 7am to let my dog out to use the little boy's room and did some Facebook commenting while I waited for him to finish his business. During said waiting period, a friend called me.
Said friend and I chatted for a bit, then I let my pup in and went back to sleep. As soon as I was back to dreamland, the friend I spoke with on the phone popped in. To the dream. He and I didn't speak. We kissed passionately. He took me to the bedroom and before my clothes fell off, there was a knock at the door.
My pseudo-mom was at the door. Maryssa... Why was she trying to ruin my wonderful time with this friend in the bedroom? WHY Mom, why???
I tried to get rid of her, but then my pseudo-dad showed up. They sat in the kitchen, drinking coffee and telling me about their latest series of dramatic events without being asked. Damn. All I wanted was a few minutes alone with this guy.
Then, dogs barking. Wait. That was my dog. In the room with me. Barking at whomever was up in the house.
Reluctantly, I woke up. And I felt like I should call Maryssa immediately to see why she's showing up in my dreams. But I don't want to hear their latest drama. I really don't. I'm also pretty pissed that she interrupted me with... him. He is delicious and I believe dreamland is the only place I'll be getting to see him.
Fucking bad timing, you know. Dang, I'll call her tomorrow. Even though I know that I'll just be torturing myself because there is always SOMEthing extreme that is going on in her life and she talks for hours and hours.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Just before I took off for South Africa, I broke up with my boyfriend, the rocket scientist.
We had dated for something like a year and a half, took almost two years off, then tried dating again for about six months. It just wasn't there for us- we are polar opposites in almost every way imaginable. I party like it's 1999. I talk to EVERYONE all the time. I talk about traveling, then half-remember to pack a bag on the way out the door for a trip. I think the world is made up of people who mean well.
Just think of the opposite of all those things and you'll get an accurate picture of him. There is nothing wrong with him as a person, but completely wrong for me. We'll still be friends, but won't try the dating thing ever again. He's completely on board with this plan.
So now... I'm single. I don't think I'm very good at being single. Recently, I realized that I'm one of those girls who is ALWAYS dating someone(s).
But I'm taking a break. No intentional dating. No active online dating. No set-ups between friends. Nada. I'm just going to let love come and sweep me off my feet if it chooses to and let it pass me by otherwise.
I have no timetable. I have no obligation to anyone to be in a meaningful relationship with them. I'm going to enjoy this purposeful singlehood.
But I certainly won't turn down an offer of a kiss from a beautiful stranger on my next vacation. It would be criminal to do so, don't you think?