Wednesday, February 17, 2010

When are you the asshole?

My feelings get hurt pretty easily, so I'm generally gentle with the feelings of others.

I don't like to intentionally hurt anyone. Unless they truly deserve it. Before passing judgement and getting upset, I ask myself- was that person being intentionally hurtful toward me? If not, I am passive. I understand that people make mistakes, misjudgements, are hurried or upset at something that has nothing to do with me.

Sometimes, I'm that "asshole" doing something to unintentionally hurt someone else. I apologize and mean it when I realize I've done this. And when I find that I've forgotten to be sweet to someone, I apologize. It's the right thing to do.

Being an asshole to people may make me feel better in the moment, but it's not worth the lasting hurt that it can cause to someone else. I wish more people, specifically those who come in contact with me, would consider the feelings of others before taking action and passing judgement. And calling names. Ouch.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

sick burn

My friend The Brit and I were having a lovely lunch **today and discussing everything under the sun. One of these things was the fella I have a crush on.
The Brit (who is having a really bad hair day today!)has the perfect answer as to why the guy doesn't like me-
I'm like an old used car.
More specifically, like an old yellow Renault, and who would want to drive that?

I could do nothing but laugh my ass off.
What a great explanation.
Nobody wants an old broken-down used car.

**I originally posted this in March of 2008. Reading it now, I still laugh at my friend's viewpoint. I miss having lunch nearly every day with someone so honest- so incredibly unafraid of causing waves. My friend, the Brit, is not my biggest fan. However, he enjoys spending time with me and telling me his stories while he cringes through mine.

While I have many friends who believe that I am a good person and see that my intentions are generally positive, it is a great reality check to hear things like this on occasion. I think I need more of this. Less support of my current path from people who want the best for me.

I need to step back and take a look into what I'm doing from an untinted perspective. So, I'll be calling the Brit today to schedule a dinner for this week. I can't wait to hear what he's been up to as well. There is always some DRAMATIC story that he shares with me while he tells me Americans have no morals... like the time he dated his cousin and his uncle chased him out of the country with threats of murder.

Friday, February 12, 2010

So I'm not the only one with the data/"feelings" struggle

Ah, Valentines Day. It forces people to look at their love lives. Or lack thereof. I've never been a fan of this holiday, but I'm not one of those anti- celebratory people for Valentines Day. I think it's sweet that people take a day out to recognize their love for each other.

But I just don't think I have what it takes to really get into it. A celebration of love. It seems to forced to me. Kind of like when my mom used to tell me I had to apologize sincerely for something I had done wrong. I have a hard time being sincere when I don't FEEL something sincerely.

My eyes give me away. My energy gives me away. The way I get close to "feeling" something and then shutting down gives me away.

This Valentines Day, I won't force anything. I'll have to figure out what to do for my boyfriend. I'm sure he's thinking about what to do for me as well. I wish I could tell him not to worry about it, but I'll be honest here. I like presents.

Oh yeah. I have a boyfriend. It's new, I didn't go out looking for a boyfriend. My life would be simpler without one, but I like him and he likes me. So we'll see where it goes.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

How do I get there from here?

I have nearly everything I ever wanted in life. I mean, at one point in my life. I have nearly everything I wanted in early 2003, to be exact.

Recently divorced, I realized I should probably set some new goals for myself. All I really wanted up until that point was to be a fantastic wife and help my husband with his business.

When that went to shit, it was obvious that my ambitions were lacking. So I enrolled in school. Like real college. I was going to double my income every five years. And eventually, I'd make enough money to buy a Dodge Viper.

No, I did not put any silly parameters around what I'd actually do to make the money. Just that I must do this as quickly as possible. I want the Viper before I turn 40.

It wasn't really all that difficult to double my income the first time within five years. I was making a crappy hourly wage doing easy work at a small company in 2003. Doubling it again, though, I've had to stay really focused on the goal.

Every now and then, I revisit this goal- does it still make sense? Is it what I want? Am I happy with the work that I do? How do I look in Blue? Should I get a Viper with silver racing stripes or white?

Yes, I still want this. I have some interest in starting a family, settling down, but I have to pay off these GIGANTIC student loans and pay for my dream car and I'm running out of time. Only 7 years and 5 months until my final cut-off. Eeeek!