Wednesday, April 29, 2009

This might shock you

I am not a model citizen.

So there, it's out. I know you're surprised. Because really, I seem like I do everything right all the time. Follow all the rules.

Okay, so I'm a bad liar. Whatever.

I was thinking this morning, on my way to work- AM I IN MY LANE? AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING THIS DIRECTION??? And that minor freak-out reminded me that even when I'm okay, when I'm doing stuff right, I doubt myself.

But I doubt myself even more when I'm doing stuff wrong. Like when... I don't want to get into what I'm doing that isn't above-board. I want to keep a shiny, bright image going here for the most part.

Let's just say that sometimes, I fuck up. Often I do. Continuously. And I do give a shit that maybe it's negatively impacting my life.

But then, I do a lot of stuff right. Like I meet my deadlines at work and it's high quality stuff I'm producing. I get really excellent grades in school for an MBA program and I help my teammates with their work. I volunteer for an organization that I believe in. I call my grandmas at least every few weeks, just to say hi and let them know that they are loved.

At some point, I like to think that the good and bad- the right and wrong cancel each other out and I get to be just... neutral. Just regular. But then, I think- that can't be right. I need to be "good" and "pure" and... ?

But I don't think it's possible. I'm too set in my ways, too tempted by the notsogood side of things. Of myself. I think I'm screwed.

If only therapy could fix "screwed", I'd be all over it.


Anonymous said...

Fuck ups are just story fodder for later.

NWO said...

Right and wrong, good and bad, are so nebulous. Leave the world with more love than when you arrived, and you've accomplished your purpose.

Bob Dobalina said...

If you were a cult leader, everything you do would be, by definition, right.

Just planting a seed..

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Bad boy the idea of progress, They are. But this variety... I just don't really want to tell stories about.

NWO, Oh, I share the love like a pro.

BobD, Genius oozes from your pores. Much like the fertilizer in Camarillo oozes into your pores on warm summer days.

Anonymous said...

We think that society is based on a set of morals, or a sense of right and wrong. But it's not. It's based on laws.

So long as you're not breaking any laws, you're good.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Gully, sometimes I do break the law.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I have the same battle waging right now. You are so not alone.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Tee, it's nice to know this isn't just me out here on my little island!

Le Meems said...

You are a sweet, sweet heart.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

meems, Yay! my cover of sweetness is working ;)