Monday, April 13, 2009

Pantiless trampoline incident

I used to have a completely insane co-worker.

She is a total slut and a stoner and prays before every meal, wears a cross around her neck, and goes to church on Sundays and Wednesday nights. Seriously- she's not just a little bit of a slut either- she used to bang co-workers in little empty offices at work. Just before she walked out to her car to smoke a bowl on her lunch break.

Now, I'm not saying that being a slut or a stoner is a bad thing. Not at all. It's just an odd thing for such a religious person. Aren't Christians supposed to be more pure than the rest of us?

She went to lunch with my friend and I one day. She had just returned from an extended medical leave- turns out she broke her leg while on a trampoline.

She tells us her story over enchiladas and iced tea:

I had just come home from church on a Sunday and I had a friend over, so we wanted to go and jump on the trampoline in the back yard. I was wearing a skirt for church, so I tossed on some daisy dukes and went out there. I wasn't wearing panties with the skirt and didn't even think to put them on with the shorts.

**I interject- No, I'd never wear panties to church!** She doesn't really notice the sarcasm and continues...

So I'm showing off my old cheerleading moves for my friend and I jump like 5 feet in the air and do the splits and I landed before I was ready for it. And my leg just snapped.

My friend called the paramedics and all these firemen show up - and it turns out I "Know" one of them, you "know"? So they want to straighten my leg out and they're trying to mess with it and I remembered that I hadn't shaved recently!

So I've got all this bush hanging out of my daisy dukes and all I could do was cover it up with my hands and ask for a blanket before they could go on with their work.

I guess the moral of this story is that you should always be prepared. If you're going to be wearing short shorts and no panties, do some grooming beforehand. And if you're going to be breaking your legs on trampolines, get to know your local emergency responders in advance. They'll probably treat you extra special.


sista #2 said...

I have sat with people in my town who have a beer in one hand, joint in the other while reading the bible. THEN, they tell me of who they are screwing.

As long as they go to church, it all evens out....right??


Anonymous said...

I just spit my coffee all over my computer screen, my keyboard AND my new cell phone. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know where to begin to comment. Thanks for the laugh.

NWO said...

I always heard that the best way to meet women was at church, but this is a spin that never occurred to me before.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

sista, I think somewhere along the lines, everything balances out.

kimkizzy, I read something about you getting a new phone that you treasure. Bummer bout the coffee spitting. Perhaps you should put it somewhere far from your mouf while reading blogs.

suze, You are welcome.

NWO, you don't spend enough time in church, I think.

Anonymous said...

I shudder to think of all the times i've encouraged girls into underpants-free trampolining without having ensured they'd taken these precautions beforehand. Thanks for the warning!

PS me and the guys here in the sub-orbital observation platform are just wondering: what is a "daisy dukes"?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Gully, Daisy dukes are denim shorts that are tight and so short that the bottom parts of the ass area hang out just a little. These shorts are called Daisy Dukes after the hottie hotness character on the TV show "Dukes of Hazard". She always wore them. The Dukes of Hazard was later remade as a motion picture, featuring Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke.

Anonymous said...

My mom always told me not to wear underwear at all in case I got in a car accident-- that way I never have to worry about it being dirty.

Del-V said...

Please don't discourage women with loose morals from going commando! You are ruining it for all the paramedics out there. They work hard, get paid poorly and these are their perks.

Anonymous said...

Or perhaps while reading YOUR blog, because it's effin hilarious.

(And only a few drops got on my phone... whew.)

annoyedangel said...

I'm glad to see you're back... I wondered where you had gone!! yay!

And the "incident"? ridiculous.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

It depends on what kind of Christian she is. Maybe like a Baptist or someone would extra pure, because they're not savvy enough to catch on to the fun things in life.

If she's Catholic, though, man, fuck it all, we can go to Confession, take a few turns around the rosary, and BAM! we're back to clean livin', baby.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Bad Boy the Idea of Progress, No undies? I can't hack it without my underroos.

Del-V, No loose moraled women would ever read this blog, don't worry.

Kimkizzy, just keeping it real, yo.

Annoyed, I've been back for a little while. I needed relief from keeping all the juicy details to myself.

MJenks, I was baptised Catholic as a baby. No way I could protest it. I wonder if that's why I'm bad to the bone.

Anonymous said...

Get over it Bitch and stop acting like some type of "prissy miss"! The problem with you and most (if not all) women that bitch about what other girls/women do is that they're "Jealous"! That's right, whether you outright know it and won't admit it or, you're just subconciously lame. Want me to prove it??? OK, just amagine yourself standing next to the person you're bitching about in front of one of those huge full lenth mirrors. Got it?? Now, amagine both of you are naked!! Now, ask yourself, who would the men stare at and who would they laugh at? All you bitching women are the same, you complain about any/all women that look better than you..

So give it a break already!!! Lose some weight, peel the orthos off, get on the fucking trampline already and "SHUT THE FUCK UP"!!!

Oh, have a nice day..:-)

Anonymous said...

I hope u realize that more & more women (& men) r going au naturel (commando). See Panti-less in NYC for a beginner about the hazards of wearing panties (G-strings, thongs or whatever "disappearing act" that is out there & shrinking away as the moments pass into nothingness) at all ... ever. With the tampons in popular use, panties r useless ... a useless garment /waste around the waist. & #1 as far as yeast farming is concerned, panties r downright hazardous 2 your health & #2 they r a relatively recent addition/ imposition 2 women's fashion ... in short, panties r optional at best (or worst) & best left "out" of your wardrobe as well as budget. Look up knickerless/ pantiless to see what's really going on out there.

Anonymous said...

Indeed, pantiless is best ... no ugly VPL's (visible panty lines)forever!

Anonymous said...

Yes, check out fashion history & you'll find "no nothing" for panties until very recently ... the sooner we go back to good old days & ways the better.