But my dog won't stop barking at nothing

Edit: Added photo of glass ceiling, as requested.

It has been raining in California non-stop for days. There were a couple tornadoes nearby, flooding, mudslides. Southern California especially doesn't do well in the rain.

I was sitting in the lobby of my office building on Monday. The ceiling is made of glass. Who puts a glass ceiling on an office building??? The rain was pouring INSIDE. Not just a little either-there were 17 big trash cans set up to carch the downpour. I kept picturing the entire thing shattering, crushing me into a bloody pulp.

As I stared at the streams of water in front of me, I got a text. My roommate said it was raining INSIDE our house. 4 windows gave way to the storm. She's a bit of a genius and had a set-up going to catch the water so no permanent damage was done to the carpet or to our stuff.

I drive to work on the Pacific Coast Highway. Along the ocean side, most of the way, there are mountains jutting up right next to the highway. Rock slides made the drive a little terrifying. On Thursday, I followed a rock plow on the road for 30 minutes. On my drive home, there were a bunch of disabled cars on the side of the road that had been hit by boulders falling off the mountain.

Yesterday on the same road to work, my check engine light came on. The car kept going though, so I didn't freak out. I'll take it to the dealer today to see what's wrong and cry only as I hand over my debit card when it's all fixed.

For some reason, through all of this strangeness, I'm happy. Have been for days. It feels great to be happy- not that I'm usually mopey or anything. Just not truly happy. I'm more of a content person.

The sun is shining today. Blue sky after so much gray. I'm happy to just be here, alive, breathing, safe, loved.

Plans? What plans?

2009 was the year that I threw caution to the wind.

I made living for the moment my M.O. When life handed me lemons, I tossed them into walls and smashed them, thinking maybe that would do some good. I don't even know how to make lemonade, so I wouldn't have given that a shot.

Sugar. You need a certain amount of sugar to make lemonade. I'm just not that sweet.

Half a year went by and I was in LOVE. Not with the man who was my boyfriend, unfortunately. With another man who had never really given me much reason to fall in love with him. I kept telling myself- give it up. This is never going to work. It may be for another lifetime, but in this one... no. He just isn't that into you.

So I tried- I really did try to live like my heart wasn't torn into pieces. I maybe could have done things differently with this guy. Like maybe over the years, I could have told him how I felt or given him the option to fall in love with me too.

But I didn't. I saw right from the start how impossible it was- us, we were impossible. Still are. So I made my bed and now I laid in it.

So on summer solstice, I stood on a beach at 3? 4? in the morning and formally threw in the towel. I asked the universe for release from him. From a fantasy I had created in my head. But that didn't stick.

And now, so what? So I'm still stuck on the dream that can never come true. Stifle it. I'm good at that. I'm good at moving on. Physically forcing myself to go out and live like this empty horrible feeling doesn't exist.

I don't have any plans. Not really. I'm fluid. I'll keep doing whatever I want, when I want to do it.

One moment of one day, I might feel like riding my bike along the beach to feel the sun on my pasty white skin and the wind in my hair. Another moment, I'll feel like having a nap. To go back to the dream.

I don't even know really why I give this any more thought than it deserves. Suckit, dreams. Where have you gotten me, anyway? Precisely here. In a beautiful home with fantastic friends, a dog who makes me giggle and cuddles me even after I yell at him, a promising career, and a sad heart.

My heart can wait. For the next lifetime or the one after. Right now, I have things to do, people to see. Or the other way around. I think I'm going to ride my bike now. Down the beach. Napping will wait until later. Unless I change my mind in the next five minutes.

Gross realization

Iwoke up early this morning, excited that I'll be off to San Francisco in a few hours for SantaCon. Let the dogs out in the rain and made some coffee. After two cups, I hopped in the shower. As I was washing my hair, I started to feel a little queasy.

I often feel like I'm going to hurl. It's my weak stomach- not pregnancy. I hope. So I continue my business and breathe through it. Just as I finished applying conditioner, I shocked the hell out of my shower by projectile vomiting all over it. Disgusting. I don't think I've ever done that before.

Anyhow, it was my coffee with vanilla flavored cream and there was more to come, so I hopped out, dripping wet and confused, and got rid of my second cup in the toilet. Well placed. Much better than in the tub.

When I was finished, all I could think was- I wonder if the caffeine made it into my blood stream yet or if I'll have to drink more to feel the effects. That's when I realized I have a serious problem. Caffeine addiction.

Here I sit on my deck overlooking the Pacific ocean, hair still full of conditioner, drinking my third cup of coffee this morning. I'm waiting for the lingering effects of the nausea to pass before I attempt to finish my shower.

What a gross way to start my day.

Empty Wishes

I wish to have a filter that would force me to say NO to staying out all night to party until the sun comes up.

I wish to be more organized and remember deadlines and act on them accordingly.

I wish to be able to eat delicious Mexican food and pasta daily and have a slim, athletic figure without exercising.

I wish to dedicate time to doing laundry before I end up with only ridiculous looking outfits to wear.

I wish to have a job that pays well, is geographically desirable, and has incredibly generous benefits.

I wish to have my essays write themselves.

Learning from mistakes: I'm doing it rong.

SOME people make a mistake, feel stupid, and try not to repeat it. Me? I happily do the opposite. I've been reminiscing and telling stories about the stupid things I've done all weekend and it's just so- um- sad yet funny. I live a full life without worrying too much about where I'll end up. Consequences be damned.

I mean- my dating stories alone could fill 600 hilariously painful pages. I love laughing at myself.

I also love feeling the fiery passion and adrenaline that comes with jumping into major life decisions with both feet.

The feeling that I get when I'm on the verge of a possibly very fun but risky adventure... Haaaaaaa. Can't wait.

This is Tabbie's brain.

This is Tabbie's brain on drugs.
Actually, I use mind-altering substances, but not right now. I am currently sober as a whistle. Clean- as a mop that hasn't been used yet.

Here's what's on my sober little mind right now:

I am addicted to horror movies and scary stories. I love freaking out while holding seances and playing Ouija. I have nightmares for weeks afterward and do it all over again. On my way to see a horror movie in a few minutes- it's no "Teen Wolf", but it should do.

Electronic cigarettes are pretty much the lamest thing ever. Besides nicotine gum.

I need better bras. I buy a lot of bras and am hardly ever happy with the look and feel of them. I have big, lovely boobs and they require more support than the cutesy bras at most stores can give them. I want cute, HUGE bras!

My dog is adorable. Very bad, but irresistably cute.

I wonder when I'm going to have to stop going to night clubs because I've become the creepy old broad getting her groove on. Maybe by the time that happens, there will be a night club near me that a bunch of other oldies go to as well. But will they know how to dance and get wickedly down on the dance floor?

Why would anyone want to date Bret Michaels? He wears more make-up than my trashiest cousin and he kisses chicks like he's sucking down spaghetti. The wide array of complete hookers he's been with is disgusting and he looks like a doofus with his do-rag and extensions.

I really like going camping in the summertime- to places with lots of shade, hot, private showers, and a fire pit. I want to go this year with someone who will put my tent up for me. And I want to have some peace and quiet and stare at the stars and drink far too much gin & tonic.

I have to go see that scary movie now. Eeek!