Plans? What plans?

2009 was the year that I threw caution to the wind.

I made living for the moment my M.O. When life handed me lemons, I tossed them into walls and smashed them, thinking maybe that would do some good. I don't even know how to make lemonade, so I wouldn't have given that a shot.

Sugar. You need a certain amount of sugar to make lemonade. I'm just not that sweet.

Half a year went by and I was in LOVE. Not with the man who was my boyfriend, unfortunately. With another man who had never really given me much reason to fall in love with him. I kept telling myself- give it up. This is never going to work. It may be for another lifetime, but in this one... no. He just isn't that into you.

So I tried- I really did try to live like my heart wasn't torn into pieces. I maybe could have done things differently with this guy. Like maybe over the years, I could have told him how I felt or given him the option to fall in love with me too.

But I didn't. I saw right from the start how impossible it was- us, we were impossible. Still are. So I made my bed and now I laid in it.

So on summer solstice, I stood on a beach at 3? 4? in the morning and formally threw in the towel. I asked the universe for release from him. From a fantasy I had created in my head. But that didn't stick.

And now, so what? So I'm still stuck on the dream that can never come true. Stifle it. I'm good at that. I'm good at moving on. Physically forcing myself to go out and live like this empty horrible feeling doesn't exist.

I don't have any plans. Not really. I'm fluid. I'll keep doing whatever I want, when I want to do it.

One moment of one day, I might feel like riding my bike along the beach to feel the sun on my pasty white skin and the wind in my hair. Another moment, I'll feel like having a nap. To go back to the dream.

I don't even know really why I give this any more thought than it deserves. Suckit, dreams. Where have you gotten me, anyway? Precisely here. In a beautiful home with fantastic friends, a dog who makes me giggle and cuddles me even after I yell at him, a promising career, and a sad heart.

My heart can wait. For the next lifetime or the one after. Right now, I have things to do, people to see. Or the other way around. I think I'm going to ride my bike now. Down the beach. Napping will wait until later. Unless I change my mind in the next five minutes.

The first time

My sister and I were so excited to go play at Zuma beach in Malibu during one of our dad's visitation weekends. He brought boogie boards for us and we set out into the sea, splashing around the waves while he stayed on the beach to catch some rays. We were maybe 11 and 12. This was during the time when he was competing in triathalons and he wanted to be tan for the one coming up.

Out at sea, my sister and I were catching waves like crazy, boogie boarding our little hearts out. After awhile though, we noticed that we were kind of far from the shore. We were right next to each other when we realized we were caught in a rip current.

Neither of us knew what to do about it - we were being swiftly pulled out to sea and soon found ourselves looking at the backs of surfers. I'm a strong swimmer and so is my sister, but this was scary. We were floating on our boogie boards and tried waving to shore, yelling, trying to get the life guard's or our dad's attention.

We kept moving farther from the shore with every passing second.

Finally, with no one responding to our calls for help, we swam toward shore. We weren't making much headway. My sister started to fall behind- she couldn't paddle anymore- the current was too strong and we'd already been swimming and paddling while boogie boarding for quite some time.

Her boogie board was keeping her afloat, but it wasn't helping otherwise. She let it go and I yelled to her to hold onto mine. I kept a tight grip on the cord and pulled her and myself toward shore.

It felt like an eternity before I touched sand with my toes. I was gasping for breath and trying so hard not to panic from terror. My sister was kicking and holding onto my board for dear life. I dug into the sand and pulled harder, going inches at a time, against the rip current.

Finally, we got close enough to shore where we could both dig into the sand and walk forward without losing any ground. When we made it back to dry land, it was a sobering moment. The beach was busy with sunbathers and sand castle builders, but no one had seen us out there, fighting to get back.

My sister hugged me (which was RARE) and thanked me for saving her life. This was the first time I'd need to be there to make sure my sister made it through another day alive.