Plans? What plans?

2009 was the year that I threw caution to the wind.

I made living for the moment my M.O. When life handed me lemons, I tossed them into walls and smashed them, thinking maybe that would do some good. I don't even know how to make lemonade, so I wouldn't have given that a shot.

Sugar. You need a certain amount of sugar to make lemonade. I'm just not that sweet.

Half a year went by and I was in LOVE. Not with the man who was my boyfriend, unfortunately. With another man who had never really given me much reason to fall in love with him. I kept telling myself- give it up. This is never going to work. It may be for another lifetime, but in this one... no. He just isn't that into you.

So I tried- I really did try to live like my heart wasn't torn into pieces. I maybe could have done things differently with this guy. Like maybe over the years, I could have told him how I felt or given him the option to fall in love with me too.

But I didn't. I saw right from the start how impossible it was- us, we were impossible. Still are. So I made my bed and now I laid in it.

So on summer solstice, I stood on a beach at 3? 4? in the morning and formally threw in the towel. I asked the universe for release from him. From a fantasy I had created in my head. But that didn't stick.

And now, so what? So I'm still stuck on the dream that can never come true. Stifle it. I'm good at that. I'm good at moving on. Physically forcing myself to go out and live like this empty horrible feeling doesn't exist.

I don't have any plans. Not really. I'm fluid. I'll keep doing whatever I want, when I want to do it.

One moment of one day, I might feel like riding my bike along the beach to feel the sun on my pasty white skin and the wind in my hair. Another moment, I'll feel like having a nap. To go back to the dream.

I don't even know really why I give this any more thought than it deserves. Suckit, dreams. Where have you gotten me, anyway? Precisely here. In a beautiful home with fantastic friends, a dog who makes me giggle and cuddles me even after I yell at him, a promising career, and a sad heart.

My heart can wait. For the next lifetime or the one after. Right now, I have things to do, people to see. Or the other way around. I think I'm going to ride my bike now. Down the beach. Napping will wait until later. Unless I change my mind in the next five minutes.

What I really wanted to say was...

Sometimes, it's difficult to know whether to do what's right or to do what you really want to do.

My friend and I worked for the same boss, until last week. Our boss was good friends with my friend- they spent time together outside of normal work activities quite a bit. The others on our team didn't ever spend much time with the boss, so their relationship was special, so it seemed.

Then, out of the blue, our boss fired my friend. And it wasn't for something that I would expect someone to be fired for. It was a complete surprise to my friend and to everyone else on the team.

Our boss did this 1 day before she left for a 3 1/2 week vacation- for her honeymoon.

I keep thinking- why did she do it this way? Was she looking for something to get rid of my friend for? Couldn't she have warned my friend in some way? Who's next?

Then, my boss' wedding was the following weekend. She had invited everyone on her team, including my friend who she fired that same week. While I would rather have supported my friend by staying home with her for the event, I didn't think that would be appropriate.

It certainly wouldn't have won me any positive feelings from the boss, who might just be on a firing spree.

So I went. And the whole time, I was thinking not so nice thoughts about the bride. Thoughts like... well, you can imagine.

She was probably surprised to see me there at all, but she came and thanked me for showing up and said something like- I know it's been a rough week... blah blah blah.

I complimented her obviously fake hair extensions and eyelashes and turned back to my wine at the table. No need to make enemies in high places.