Learning from mistakes: I'm doing it rong.

SOME people make a mistake, feel stupid, and try not to repeat it. Me? I happily do the opposite. I've been reminiscing and telling stories about the stupid things I've done all weekend and it's just so- um- sad yet funny. I live a full life without worrying too much about where I'll end up. Consequences be damned.

I mean- my dating stories alone could fill 600 hilariously painful pages. I love laughing at myself.

I also love feeling the fiery passion and adrenaline that comes with jumping into major life decisions with both feet.

The feeling that I get when I'm on the verge of a possibly very fun but risky adventure... Haaaaaaa. Can't wait.

Babysitting is not my calling

I am currently babysitting my two year old niece.

My sister is about to produce her next child. Any day now, a little nephew will join us. So, sis is running around, finishing up stuff that needs to get done prior to his birthday and I'm on babysitting duty.

Honestly, I'm not good at it, but she's still in one piece and so am I. So far.

We went outside to play a little while ago and I couldn't really stop her from having a great time, splashing around in the bit of water that was left in her kiddie pool. And then putting a bucket kinda dripping wet onto her head.

I mean, she's pretty convincing with her adorable language that only she understands, you know? And after playing at the park for awhile, I was a tad bit tired. Now, she's watching Barney (thank goodness for purple dinos) and tearing apart a package for a stuffed animal that she dropped in the dog's water bowl earlier.

That's okay, right?

Bad decisions

I'm going to make some this weekend.

Off to San Francisco, I go. There are many lady couch surfers I will be meeting up with in the city. Parties, music, dancing (only a little. plomise.), substance abuse... Ah, long weekends. How I love thee.

The Aussie couch surfer who I had super lots of fun with a couple of weeks ago will arrive at my home tonight and we're driving up together in the morning. We've been invited to several parties and I'm not sure which we'll choose. But I'm saving most of my liver, etc. for Sunday night.

For the arrival of the great and powerful Dirt Princess. Praise cheeses, let's share bathroom stalls in crowded clubs and PLEASE remember I'm in there with you this time :)

Can't wait.

This might shock you

I am not a model citizen.

So there, it's out. I know you're surprised. Because really, I seem like I do everything right all the time. Follow all the rules.

Okay, so I'm a bad liar. Whatever.

I was thinking this morning, on my way to work- AM I IN MY LANE? AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING THIS DIRECTION??? And that minor freak-out reminded me that even when I'm okay, when I'm doing stuff right, I doubt myself.

But I doubt myself even more when I'm doing stuff wrong. Like when... I don't want to get into what I'm doing that isn't above-board. I want to keep a shiny, bright image going here for the most part.

Let's just say that sometimes, I fuck up. Often I do. Continuously. And I do give a shit that maybe it's negatively impacting my life.

But then, I do a lot of stuff right. Like I meet my deadlines at work and it's high quality stuff I'm producing. I get really excellent grades in school for an MBA program and I help my teammates with their work. I volunteer for an organization that I believe in. I call my grandmas at least every few weeks, just to say hi and let them know that they are loved.

At some point, I like to think that the good and bad- the right and wrong cancel each other out and I get to be just... neutral. Just regular. But then, I think- that can't be right. I need to be "good" and "pure" and... ?

But I don't think it's possible. I'm too set in my ways, too tempted by the notsogood side of things. Of myself. I think I'm screwed.

If only therapy could fix "screwed", I'd be all over it.