This might shock you

I am not a model citizen.

So there, it's out. I know you're surprised. Because really, I seem like I do everything right all the time. Follow all the rules.

Okay, so I'm a bad liar. Whatever.

I was thinking this morning, on my way to work- AM I IN MY LANE? AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DRIVING THIS DIRECTION??? And that minor freak-out reminded me that even when I'm okay, when I'm doing stuff right, I doubt myself.

But I doubt myself even more when I'm doing stuff wrong. Like when... I don't want to get into what I'm doing that isn't above-board. I want to keep a shiny, bright image going here for the most part.

Let's just say that sometimes, I fuck up. Often I do. Continuously. And I do give a shit that maybe it's negatively impacting my life.

But then, I do a lot of stuff right. Like I meet my deadlines at work and it's high quality stuff I'm producing. I get really excellent grades in school for an MBA program and I help my teammates with their work. I volunteer for an organization that I believe in. I call my grandmas at least every few weeks, just to say hi and let them know that they are loved.

At some point, I like to think that the good and bad- the right and wrong cancel each other out and I get to be just... neutral. Just regular. But then, I think- that can't be right. I need to be "good" and "pure" and... ?

But I don't think it's possible. I'm too set in my ways, too tempted by the notsogood side of things. Of myself. I think I'm screwed.

If only therapy could fix "screwed", I'd be all over it.