This is off to a great start

I met this guy at a friend's wedding recently and we got along great. He made me laugh. He asked me to dinner the next week. Cool!

We had dinner, he KILLED me with laughter. I seriously had to stop laughing at one point because I was about to pee myself and that just wouldn't be ladylike.

He travels for work a lot and told me he was going on a trip to Lake Tahoe this week. Poor fella was sick with the flu over the weekend, so I sent him a text on my way home from work last night. And so began one of the strangest text conversations I've ever had.

Tabbie: Hope you're feeling better & enjoying your "work", funny man.

Him: Air is thin

(Tahoe is up in the mountains. Okayyy...?)

Tabbie: Yeah. Go to an oxygen bar. It makes a world of difference especially if you're drinking.

Him: My job promotes drinking yeah

Tabbie: Dude then take my advice & go breathe pure oxygen so u don't do a crappy job of drinking for work!

Him: Heart beats harder

(WTF)

Tabbie: That could just be all the excitement

Him: I like it warm

Tabbie: What?

Him: Altitude

Tabbie: U like warm altitude?

Him: I like it warm

Tabbie: Well, this is an odd conversation.

Him: Its the drinking abd altitude

Tabbie: Whoa drunk by 7. Good work!

Him: Good time

(so I thought that was the end, but at 12:54 am...)

Him: Oh

(so strange... right? I sent this one back at 5 this morning)

Tabbie: Random Oh in the night? Hmmm

(then at just past 7am)

Him: Pain

Tabbie: Drink some water take an aspirin and go back to sleep

Him: The best hangover remedy is sex

Tabbie: So have sex. Duh.

Him: Ya there are no soft women here, my profession still has a lot of males

Tabbie: Bummer. Maybe u should try to handle it urself

Him: I know. It is happy right now

Him: Say something dirty

Tabbie: R u still drunk?

Him: Yep

Him: Dirty birdy

Tabbie: Ah. That explains a lot. OMG.

Him: Sex is a good thingy

Tabbie: Ummmm yeah

Him: I think sex with you would be a good thingy, you look soft

Him: It would

Tabbie: Wow. U may want to consider sleeping this one off. Not that I disagree about sex with me being a good thingy.

Him: Sweet, I'm trying to but need to handle myself first

Tabbie: good luck

Him: Nice

(and several minutes later)

Him: Pain

Tabbie: You're repeating yourself, drunky.

Him: No, I was coming full circle

Tabbie: Oh

Him: Ya

He's joining me for a friend's birthday party on Friday night. I wonder if he's crazy or just REALLY REALLY wasted. Miss M, please give me a breakdown of what you think of him? Of course, he may get REALLY REALLY wasted at your party too and then we may never know.

Strangers and Hugs

Last night, I hugged a homeless crack head on the sidewalk in Oakland late at night.

I had been drinking a tiny bit inside the bar with a couple of friends when I needed some fresh air (I lie. I was smoking. Wasted drunk and smoking to be very clear.), so I stepped outside and the bouncer followed me.

This homeless dude came up to me and asked if I could spare any money. I was like- all I have is this iPhone, this cigarette, and this lighter. But then I checked my pocket and had TWO DOLLARS! I passed it over to the man and wished him a good night.

The bouncer who was guarding me shook his head. He asked where I'm from. Obviously not a local, huh? I was being a bit too sweet to the crackhead homeless dudes for his taste.

To make his job of guarding me more difficult, another homeless crackhead came over and asked me for money. (Oakland is kind of ghetto in most areas, by the way) I told this new guy that I had just given ALL of my TWO DOLLARS away to the last guy. But then I said- you know what?

I'll give you a hug instead of money. Every homeless crackhead needs a hug, you know? So I shocked the living hell out of this fellow and hugged and told him I hope he gets better and that he finds a meal tonight. And he asked me if he could finish my cigarette. I handed it to him and went inside with Mr. Bouncer.

He came over to where I sat down with my friends and told me I need to be careful- that these guys have scabies. I didn't notice any scabies on my crackhead friend, but I did appreciate the bouncer's concern, so I asked him if I should go to the hospital. He didn't think I'd need to do that, but recommended that I don't hug any more of these guys.

It's not like I go around hugging ALL of the homeless crackheads in the Bay Area. I mostly just high five them. Duh.

Stoopid week

My week started off badly. Sunday night/Monday morning will go down in the history books of Tabbie for all time as one of the top 10 strangest experiences of my life.

Drinking turns some people into completely psychotic dick noses. I'm not going to go into details here because it's too much to put into writing. Maybe someday when we're sharing our 3rd bottle of champagne (or cap classique) of the night, I'll tell you the story. By then, it will be light-hearted and I'll toss in all of the things that make me giggle about it. I'll leave out the parts where I was afraid for my safety and the part where I thought a friend of mine was for sure about to produce a monstrous amount of puke and/or get arrested in Nevada.

After that night, my week got worse. The drunky drunk friend let some information slip that shouldn't have gotten out. Another friend of mine got her feelings hurt. I hate to see my friends hurting.

HATE it.

But there was really not much I could do about this. So I just sent out a warning signal to the other people involved in the mess that there was, in fact, a mess. And I backed off.

Now, I'm not sure where to turn next. It's like my ability to process friendship information is broken. I love every one of the people involved in this icky mess, but they don't love each other.

People I love are being mean to each other. I HATE this.

Also, there's no goddamned clock on this computer screen. It's some kind of bullshit when I can't even use a computer screen to tell the goddammned time. Fuck you, screen.

Wait. It's not the screen's fault that I'm pissed. Still, I hate this stoopid, worthless screen.

Get Fucked

The above is the #1 most used phrase of the weekend. I don't think I've ever said it out loud, but I heard it mucho much from Friday to this morning.

We were in Vegas for my friend Jen's bachelorette party. "We" being my roommates and my Aussie friend. Jen had something like 10 ladies there from all of the different times in her life. Her sister hosted the weekend's events and we toasted and drank and toasted and drank...

I met Jen in high school. We were sophomores and she was already hanging out with all the college kids from the town just next to ours. We hit it off instantly and one of my first memories with her was being at a keg party and being driven home by one of her friends. Jen and I both ended up hanging our heads out the window to puke on the ride home. Gross.

Just a couple of years ago, Jen and I were on a pub crawl together. We were walking back to her place from the last bar we could reasonably stay awake at and she fell down in an alley. There was a garage full of guys watching football that opened to the alley and they all saw this happen. She was super worried about them all seeing her fall down, so she pulled me down on top of her when I went to help her up.

As I was screaming and giggling and trying to get up, she explained to me that she wanted them to think we were just rolling on the ground, making out. That she was totally down there on purpose. Oh... Jen.

So I guess we're used to being trashed wasted drunky tanked around each other. Which is why she handled me falling off a table at the dance club on Saturday night like it was no big deal. I mean, I didn't just fall one time at the club either. It was just once off a table. The next night, she wouldn't allow me to even say I fell. She insists she caught me every time. That I couldn't possibly have fallen with her there to catch me.

She's such a fun friend. I love the ones who are just going to be in my life forever and understand what I need to hear in order to feel okay about acting like a total jackass.

Somebody stop me

The iPhone really needs a breathalyzer application.

I have a few drinks and send texts and emails that would make even Snoop Dog blush. Jesus, what the hell happens in my brain that I think it's okay to have that shit in writing?

Dang.

Don't drink and drive

Liquor may lend to forgetfulness, stupidity, and scary partial memories. Case in point:

Wendy and I were out drinking late on a night when we were about 19/20 years old. She decided to drive us home because we had to be at work the next morning. At some point along the deserted highway, I started to feel ill, so she pulled over.

I got out and lost my last keg stand-worth of beer in the gravel while she got out of the drivers seat, fell because she couldn't walk so well, and crawled around the car to where I was. I finished my puking just when she announced that she was too drunk and couldn't see to drive anymore.

So I told her I was ok now and I could finish the trip home. But I couldn't walk so good either, so I crawled around to the drivers seat and pulled myself onto the chair behind the wheel. Great. I was ready to go.

I guess we eventually made it home, because that's where we woke up the next morning- bright and early and ready to serve customers. It's scary to think of how much we risked by driving that drunk.