Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The face licker

I used to go out on a lot of dates.

There were periods of time where I would have 3 or 4 first dates per week. I was internet dating and I figure you just never know from some guy's profile what he'll be like in person, so I'd ask for a meeting if they seemed pretty okay.

One of these was the face licker.

We met at a restaurant near the Queen Mary in Long Beach. I saw him sitting at a table in the bar area, waved, and made my way over. He got up to pull my chair out for me. Well done, fellow.

After about 20 minutes of talking with the date, I came to the decision that he wasn't for me. He was a good boy. He had no history of partying too hard, no penchant for getting into trouble, no tattoos, nothing out of the ordinary.

Obviously, he was not my type.

After a couple of non-alcoholic drinks and an appetizer, I let him know that I had to get back to whatever I was doing for the day (nothing at all). He offered to walk me to my car and since it was a crowded lot in the middle of the day, I accepted. I generally wouldn't let a first date anywhere near me outside of a very public place.

We got to my car, I took out my keys and turned to thank him for meeting me and say goodbye (for good). He asked for a hug. Okay, harmless, right?

So we hug and then he does that thing when I was pulling away- that thing that guys do when they're about to kiss a girl after a hug. He held me at half an arm's distance and bent his head toward mine for a kiss.

I reacted quickly and turned my head to the side. It was all I could come up with on short notice. He, apparently, thinks pretty quickly as well.

When I turned my head, he continued his descent toward my face and landed on my cheek. And licked it.

He. Licked. My. Cheek.

A lot.

Gross.

So I backed away, said goodbye, drove out of the parking lot and to the nearest gas station to use the bathroom sink to wash that off.

That was just wrong.

13 comments:

Le Meems said...

Nice- at least it was face cheek.
You know.
Because, well, ass cheek licking from an unwanted beau is just ridic.

Rassles said...

Once, a guy came up to me at a bar and bought me a shot. Immediately after he said, "Wait, you got some on your chin," and just fucking dove in started making out with my chin, (because my chin is frickin' gorgeous). So shoved him off, called him a retard, punched him in the shoulder and ordered another shot on his tab. And then he followed me around the bar for awhile trying to "make it up to me."

And the only non-partiers I could date are the ones in rehab.

Mike said...

Maybe he thought you'd take him home if you though his dog act was cute. Hey it works at the pound.

pistols at dawn said...

You know, your words say you didn't like my moves, but your eyes told a different story: that you were horrified by them.

I blame your cheek for what it was wearing.

Anonymous said...

That's just gross. One guy I went on a date with asked "on the first date" when did I think we would sleep together. Really? He couldn't even pick me up at my house and he asked that?

TC said...

3-4 dates a week?!?! Man, I gotta move out there.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

meems, It would have been a REALLY awkward hug if it were the other cheek.

Rassles, he made out with your chin? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

mike, and you know this from experience?

pistols, that shade of blush is ir- how the ef do you spell irresistable?

suze, what was your answer?

TC, It probably doesn't matter so much where you live. It's more - how much time are you willing to put into dating? I was working overtime on it is all.

Scotty said...

At LEAST he could have waited till the second date. Sheesh.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Scotty, Poor manners all around.

Bob Dobalina said...

I feel better about myself every time I read one of your bad-date stories. Especially because I know I'll never be featured in one of them. Score!

Also, PAD is right, your cheek was totally asking for it. Such a whore-cheek it is.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

BobD, you can thank your poor choice of hats for never having dated me. Also my cheeks are not the whores. My mouf is.

me said...

hahahahahahaha!
That's sick!

W T G said...

YES, face licking. I saw a segment on that last week on Oprah ... or was it on Animal Planet ?