Indicators of sleeplesness

Today, I am considering the need for friends.

So much of the time, I feel like having friends is more of a hassle than its worth. Friends hold me accountable to things. Being there for them during happy and sad times. Showing up to events that they give a shit about.

I didn't invite anyone to my own freaking wedding, for serious. Why do I have to show up to yours?

A few of my friends are super people-lovers. They often tell me- oh, you have to meet so and so. You'll love them!
And all I can think is- probably not. I'm chatty and friendly with people I meet generally, but it's not like I want to meet them for drinks later just to chat. I love talking to people and laughing and hearing their stories, but fuck. Then they want me to schlep out to their kid's party on a weekend when I could be vegging out, reading Odd Thomas.

But then. Then I remember that most of my good friends are incredible people. They hug me and ply me with xanex and wine when I'm broken and crying my eyes out. They take me on adventures and hand me toddlers to swing around with on dance floors at their birthday parties. They drop everything and take trips into wine country with me to play with cheetahs. And sometimes they even applaud after incredible singing of karaoke in their living rooms.

So I'll keep being friends with people for now. These ones are worth it, at least.

I fucking need a nap.

Gogogogogogogo Go!

There are times in my life when all I want is everything I don't have.

Currently, I want to take off and start something new. Somewhere new.

I want to live in another country. To run a fantastically successful business and embrace a local culture that is wildly different from my own.

I'll graduate with my MBA in November, the job that I start tomorrow will complete at the end of the year, and my lease is up in February. I've got to move relatively quickly to set this in motion.

Go go go!

batshit crazy for two

I met a man while traveling last month.

He owns a hotel in the Costa Rica Caribbean and after one night at his hotel, he practically begged me to stay another night so that he could take me out and have me with him for a few more hours. He was the one who checked my Aussie friend and I into a great room with an ocean view when we arrived.

Immediately, I could tell that he liked me. It wasn't very well hidden in his eyes or his frequent offers to bring things up to my room personally- extra towels, a bottle of wine, my shopping bags which were light enough to be held with one hand. There is a hotel manager and a maid- surely they could have been as helpful? But no. He was over the top.

It's why, when I was checking out after only a one night stay, he asked me to sit with him and shared his coke light with me. And begged. Pleaded for me not to leave that night. Asked what was more important than spending time with him?

We stayed. He took me out and introduced me to every single local we came in contact with. Some were rude to him and he brushed it off as jealousy- he had money and they didn't. I wasn't buying it, so I cornered one of the guys who was only just civil to my host. I asked him what was up and he confirmed that my guy was regarded as an outsider by many of the locals even though they have all known each other since childhood.

Hmmm.

Then, on the dance floor later that night, I guess I got too friendly with another man. We weren't even dancing close, but my host whooshed me out of there and to the next bar with a few harsh words for the other man on the way out. Jealousy already? Really? We only just met. At the next place, he was much more attentive to me-meaning he was never more than 3 feet away and kept asking me to adjust my top. I was wearing a lowcut shirt that highlighted a couple of my greatest assets and he saw other men looking my direction quite a lot.

The next morning, my Aussie friend and I left town, in a rush to the big airport in the city. I didn't expect to hear from my host again, but after a couple days back home, he called. Wanted to know how soon I could manage to come back. Spoke with me about being able to collect me from the city if I could spare just a couple days for him. I was noncommital.

Two days ago, he called again. This time, speaking about how he can't wait for his children to fall in love with the beach and with music as he did as a child. As of yet, he only has a dog. He spoke of his future children. Then, he offered a bold proposal.

He asked if I would go to the Phillipines with him to meet his adoptive family there. He admires and respects his parents and thinks I would adore them and they would love to have me.

Ummmmm... After knowing me for two days? Really?

But who am I to turn the other cheek just because an idea seems crazy?

Rans

Again, my subject line won't change. Fine, subject line. You win.

In other news, random texts from recent hours:

I have a boomerang.

Exactly, very safe cept for rope burn.

I ran into ur twin in SF today. You are the evil one.

Bye bye baby, see u on the rebound!

Who are you and what did you do with my sister?

Are you back from that awful hippie event?

Have a stick-on bra, size c. C ya soon.

Too legit to quit

I was just reading a recent post here on the blob blog about how I'm not going to be doing any intentional dating. Well, I haven't gone out of my way, but I have an incredible tendency to fall in love every five minutes.

Can't change my nature, so I just roll with it, Baby.

Since that post many moons ago (3 weeks? 4??), I have had a couple/few mini-romances. Several close encounters of the humankind. But zero true "connections". Two of them, I said "I love you" to. But one was a friend kind of love. She's gorgeous and fun and supportive and a delightful kisser.

The other, I did love in the moment and would have run off with to spend the rest of my week with if he'd encouraged it enough. Yeah, week. Not life. It's just the kind of love I share with guys I met two days ago.

So all this yammering on about how I'm not going to date is really just bullshit. What I should have said is that I'm having commitment issues. But fleeting romance? Bring it on. I hope someone surprises the hell out of me and I'm blinded for more than five minutes at a time.

Survival of the freakiest

Yesterday, the delightfully hilarious Dirt Princess and I returned from a several day camping trip in the desert.

This wasn't just any camping trip- we went to the Burning Man festival in Black Rock City (Nevada). It's a place where artists and creators of all sorts go to congregate and be free to exress themselves anually. Boy, do they ever know how to let loose.

More on the details later when I'm a bit more rested and not using my nearly dead iPhone to type with...

But I will say this: My third morning there, I woke up, walked down the sandy lane to the porta potty, and saw a scene that proved you can do whatever you want in Black Rock City.

An older man was standing in front of the bathrooms, naked, holding up his bicycle, blowing his nose.

I just giggled and did my business and decided that diving into the cultural experience was my best bet for survival out there.

dontdon't

Ok so my subject line refused to cooperate with me.

In other news, for the last several days, I was insanely nervous that I was going to produce a child very soon. I was 5 days late for my period. This morning, my dreams of late night feedings and complicated parental relationships were shattered.

I hate the whole monthly visitor process. For a few hours, I was sure that I was going to simultaneously hurl on the floor of Walmart while losing control of my bowels in my pretty new dress. Not a fun time at all. Then I took some delightfully generic Ibuprofen and moved along to a baby shower.

I'm exhausted. Oh, my little sister got married yesterday. She looked amazing. Her husband beamed the whole night. I cried like a baby during the toasts and danced with a high school friend of my dad's. My little brother got freaky on the dance floor with great gramma, who is 97. She's still got the moves.

Tomorrow, I leave for a camping trip in the desert. Ugh. It's gonna be hot. Hot hot hot.

I'm ehxausted. Did I say that already?

Edit: a lady just stopped to tell me she really likes my dress. So glad I didn't mess it up earlier today :)