So I'm not the only one with the data/"feelings" struggle

Ah, Valentines Day. It forces people to look at their love lives. Or lack thereof. I've never been a fan of this holiday, but I'm not one of those anti- celebratory people for Valentines Day. I think it's sweet that people take a day out to recognize their love for each other.

But I just don't think I have what it takes to really get into it. A celebration of love. It seems to forced to me. Kind of like when my mom used to tell me I had to apologize sincerely for something I had done wrong. I have a hard time being sincere when I don't FEEL something sincerely.

My eyes give me away. My energy gives me away. The way I get close to "feeling" something and then shutting down gives me away.

This Valentines Day, I won't force anything. I'll have to figure out what to do for my boyfriend. I'm sure he's thinking about what to do for me as well. I wish I could tell him not to worry about it, but I'll be honest here. I like presents.

Oh yeah. I have a boyfriend. It's new, I didn't go out looking for a boyfriend. My life would be simpler without one, but I like him and he likes me. So we'll see where it goes.

Pregnancy?!?!!!

Yesterday after church, I went to see a psychic.

Yeah, so now I guess that was a strange course of events. Anyhow, it's just how I do things... I never know what the hell I'm going to do from one minute to the next.

I've seen the psychic just once before and she was dead-on about things. Things I doubted heavily until a few weeks after I saw her and stuff started to happen just like she said it would. So I thought it's been a couple months-I wonder what she'll say now.

First, my home life is uncomfortable and the negativity there is unhealthy. Well, yeah. Very uncomfortable lately. But I already knew that. Next, I don't need to worry about finances. Hey lady, I'm thinking- I don't have a job- just like you told me I wouldn't last time! She was not deterred. There is a business I'm working on developing and it will blossom just as it should. I don't see how in the timeframe I'd need it to, but okay. I'll half believe that for now.

There is also a love in my life. A pesky, impossible love that I keep trying to get rid of. She assured me that it will not go away. Well, fuck. But it's so impossible and he's so unattainable and it's really just a silly fantasy. I tried explaining this to the psychic and she quietly listened before disagreeing with me. Fuck.

I'm too karmically negative for things to go my way right now, she says. Too many connections to past experiences. If I continue this way, I will not move forward in a positive way. I may have temporary success. I may be okay with my living situation, find a great job, a new love, but I will inevitably sabotage it all. I think- if past experience is any indication of the future, well... That sounds about right.

And then... Out of the blue... I'll be pregnant by the end of next year. My eyes went wild and my flight response tried to take over. I don't even have a boyfriend! No prospects, no job, no fucking WAY can I have a baby in 2011. But wait... I think- that's still a long way off. Calm down, you.

But what now? I have to clear out my karmic mess and get on track to great success. The lasting kind. So I paid the lady a hefty sum and she's going to work with me and several of her psychic best friends to set me up all fresh and clean. She said this must be done now so that my next adventure in September will not rain down in a great mess. I didn't even tell her about my planned camping trip in September that I'm incredibly worried/excited about.

Phew. I hope this shit works and that my babydaddy is prepared to meet me. Fuck.