Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Don't mess with PMS

I moved to Las Vegas with my boyfriend when I turned 21. He was a royal a-hole to incredible extremes. He was mean- like vindictive, purposeful kind of mean.

He lost his job in Vegas after a few months there because he fell asleep at the wheel driving a work truck. He was tested for drugs and he loved smoking the reefer. It's pretty difficult to get a good job in Vegas if you can't test clean for drugs.

So he got odd jobs- working at an arcade and at a gas station. He kept quitting these jobs because they were too hard or too easy or something. On one of his breaks between jobs, he decided to go on a trip back to our home town, but he didn't have any money of his own.

Instead, he completely cleared out our joint bank account and took off, leaving me with only the cash I had on hand- about 10 bucks.

Unfortunately, his timing was pretty terrible. I had enough food in the house and gas in the car to last until my next paycheck, but I started my period and didn't have any tampons or pads.

I decided to spend my last $10 on a pack of cigarettes and a cheap bottle of pink wine and use alternate materials for pads.

I cut up his favorite T-shirts and they actually worked great to do the job of sanitary napkins. All day wearing them, I was thinking about how funny it was- I was completely ruining his favorite things.

When he came home, he noticed the few strips of T-shirt that I didn't get to use and was furious. The look on his face when I told him what I had done was priceless. It was totally worth the grossness of it just for that moment.

Payback is such sweet bliss.

17 comments:

Rassles said...

Well that's just the most disgusting, gut-wrenchingly brilliant thing I've ever heard. Fuck that guy. You're a genius.

catherinette said...

What a douche, he totally deserved it.

Best revenge story EVER!

TC said...

Disgusting, but brilliant.

Suze said...

Amen!

sista #2 said...

YAY!!! Good for you , that prick.


peace
#2

The Ambiguous Blob said...

rassles, I like the way you compliment :)

catherinette, I like to think of it as the 2nd best revenge story EVER, after the one where I left him in Vegas.

TC, yes- it is disgusting. that's part of why it was so satisfying.

suze, for reals!

sista, he totally deserved it.

Philly said...

Great story!

#1

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

That story is a thing of beauty, right there. Fecking ace!

externalappearance said...

I would have loved to comment, but Rassles said it so much better than I could have ever, so I'll just say "what Rassles said"...

I'm just lucky I wasn't eating while I read that... I would have been both nauseated and making a mess while cheering for you while eating soup (never a good combination, let me tell you)...

*kisses*
ii

pistols at dawn said...

I feel like there must have been a part of him that tipped his hat to your brilliance. Well done, you.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Philly, Thanks!

Imaginary, Beauty? Ha!

External appearance, Sounds very "messy".

Pistols, I very seriously doubt that. He isn't very smrat.

W T G said...

Perhaps you should have offered the used strips back to him if it made him that upset. Maybe he would have mended them back into his tee for that sort of 'dyed' look ...

'Hell hath no fury like that of a womans scorn'.

Le Meems said...

Didja make a voodoo doll with the dried remains? Then I'd have porked him out one more time, and at a key moment while he was eatin downtown, I woulda danced that doll across my stomach and danced it right INTO HIS FACE!

But I'm kind of a bitch.
sometimes ...

Le Meems said...

i don't like people being mean to you. it sort of makes me furious.
where is this douche?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

WTG, very appropriate reference there! I didn't keep any of the pieces. That would be just a bit over the line, even for me.

Meems, he's back in our hometown. And babe, I got him back good. I may tell that part of the story here someday, but I'll wait a little while. I did a terribly mean thing to the guy. But he fully deserved it. And he has sincerely apologized, so we're clear.

Ginormous Boobs said...

He deserved it and the move out move.

I love this story the most. Probably because i also dated a mean, nasty, abusive douche too and it's the kind of revenge I always wish I would have taken.

Cosmo said...

I think you are my long lost sister! using his shirt as pads...LOVE IT!